Fan Fiction
by Walter Bryan Cranston White
Summary: The students are shocked after discovering somebody wrote fan fiction about them and Cartman (Yes Cartman) is determined to find out who is the cause of all this


South Park Elementary.

School cafeteria.

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Token, Jimmy and Butters were having their lunch.

Kyle: And than after the show, me and Heidi went to Central Park and walked about for a bit and-

Cartman: Stop bragging on about your fucking relationship Khal!

Butters: Eric, he was only explaining how his night in New York went.

Cartman: Why Butters?!

Butters: Because I asked.

Cartman: Why did you though?! So Khal can brag on about his relationship watching me suffer.

Kyle: Look Cartman. Why can't you just leave this behind?

Kyle looked over Cartman to see Heidi waving at him and Kyle waves back.

Cartman: Fuck you Khal!

Craig and Tweek run up to them looking panicked.

Tweek: AAAAAHHHHH!

Craig: Stan, Kyle. You have to see this!

Stan: See What?

Craig: There's no time to explain!

Stan and Kyle left the table.

Outside the cafeteria.

Stan: What's wrong Craig?

Craig hands Stan a script.

Stan: What's this?

Craig: Read it.

Stan starts reading the script.

Kyle: What is it Stan?

Stan: I think it's some kind of story. And I'm the main character.

Kyle: You sure it's you? You sure it's not a different Stan?

Stan: No it says "Stan Marsh was walking to his girlfriend Wendy Testaburger. Who was hanging out with her friends Bebe Stevens and Heidi Turner".

Kyle: That is not a coincidence.

Stan continued reading.

Stan: Jesus Christ!

Kyle: What?

Stan: Wendy breaks up with me because she wants to be with Cartman!

Kyle: What?! Why would she wanna leave you for Cartman?

Stan: She hates Cartman.

Craig: Maybe it was because of that time she kissed him.

Stan: Oh thanks for reminding me Craig.

Stan continued reading.

Tweek: Did you get to the worst part yet?!

Stan: What worst part?

Stan continued reading.

Stan: Oh my God! Holy fucking shit dude!

Kyle: What?

Stan handed the scripture to Kyle.

Kyle read the scripture.

Kyle: Oh my God!

Stan and Kyle threw up

Stan: Who wrote this Craig?! Who wrote this?!

Craig: I don't know!

Tweek screamed and ran off.

Craig: Honey calm down.

Craig ran after Tweek.

Stan: This is disgusting!

Kyle: Holy shit dude!

Cartman exited the cafeteria.

Cartman: What are you two fags doing?

Both Stan and Kyle threw up.

Later.

Stan and Kyle stood in hallway disturbed.

Kyle: I don't believe it.

Stan: I know.

Kyle: Wendy dumped you for Cartman and than you had gay sex with me.

Stan: Stop talking like this is real Kyle!

Kyle: What if Wendy and Heidi find out about this?

Stan: I don't know!

Kyle: Who would have the balls to write this? Bryan Singer?

Stan: Whoever this person is, is the most disgusting human being alive.

Butters: Oh hey fellas.

Stan and Kyle: Hey Butters.

Butters: Hey Stan sorry that Wendy dumped you for Cartman.

Stan: Oh God. You read it to didn't you?

Butters: I'm happy that you are in a gay relationship with Kyle.

Kyle: We are not dating Butters!

Butters: There's no need to feel ashamed.

Stan: What you read Butters none of it is real! Ok?

Butters: But the characters were so believable that I believed it.

Kyle: Oh my God Butters you are so stupid.

Stan: Butters where did you find the scripture?

Butters: I found it on the floor. But it was covered in vomit so it was super icky.

Stan: Butters did you show it to anyone.

Stan noticed Wendy standing next to Kyle looking really angry.

Stan: Oh hey Wendy.

Wendy: You got something to explain about the rumours about me leaving you for Cartman?

Stan: Wendy I didn't start that rumour.

Wendy: Well Somebody did Stan and it must've been either you or Cartman!

Stan: Wendy I swear to God. It wasn't me.

Kyle: It was probably Butters reading a script and believing it to be true.

Butters: It was so believable.

Wendy: Well thanks a lot Butters, now I got girls calling me a bitch!

Butters: Well I'm sorry.

Wendy: Next time I see you spreading rumours about me Butters, get ready.

Wendy left.

Butters: Get ready for what?

Stan: Look. We gotta do one thing to that script.

Later.

Stan and Kyle went outside the school and set the script on fire.

Kyle: It can't hurt anyone anymore.

The next day.

McCormick residence.

Kenny woke up and found a script next to his bed.

Kenny: Huh?

Kenny picked up the script and started to read it.

Kenny: Oh my. This is hot.

Kenny's bedroom door opened and Kenny's Dad (Stuart entered)

Stuart: Kenny. Get your clothes- I'll leave ya to it.

Stuart closed the door.

Carol: What's Kenny doing in there?

Stuart: He was jacking off.

Carol: Our little boy's becoming a man.

Later at the school cafeteria.

Kyle: Dude Kenny's been to the bathroom for a while. I wonder where he is.

Cartman: Maybe he's so poor he has to use the school bathroom because his toilet at home don't work.

Kenny showed up sweating.

Kenny: Oh hey guys.

Kyle: Hey Kenny what took you so long.

Kenny: Sorry guys. I took this mega dump.

Butters: Really. How big was it?

Kenny: None of your damn business!

Stan: What's that on your hand Kenny?

Kenny noticed the script stuck to his hand.

Kenny: Um nothing.

Token pulled the script off Kenny's hand.

Token: Aww sick dude. It's got his cum all over it.

Stan: Gross Kenny!

Kenny: We all do it at some point.

Token: I wonder why he thinks it's so hot. I'm gonna wash my hands after this.

Token started to read the script and he was shocked to discover what he just read.

Token: Oh Wow!

Stan: What?

Token: Jesus Christ!

Clyde: What?

Token: Now I know why Kenny thinks this story is so hot.

Stan: Why?

Token: It's a story about Wendy giving Kenny a blow job.

Stan started to choke on his pizza.

Stan coughed wildly.

Kyle: Take it easy Stan.

Kyle patted Stan on his back.

Kenny: And it's super hot. God I wish that happened, another girl giving me a BJ.

Stan: Dude! That's my girlfriend,

Kenny: Would it be better if she was giving you a BJ.

Stan: Yeah. No. I don't know.

Jimmy: Be thank-thank-thank-thankful it isn't real.

Cartman bursts into the cafeteria holding a script.

Cartman: What the fuck is this?!

Stan: Oh what now?

Cartman: I am gonna kill you Butters!

Butters: Me what did I do?

Cartman: I woke this morning to find a script which had us engage in a threesome with Jimmy!

Jimmy: Wh-wh-wh-what?

Cartman: You had gay feelings for me, haven't you Butters?!

Butters: Eric. You know I have a girlfriend

Cartman screamed and threw the script at Butters

Cartman: GO DIE YOU FAG!

Stan: This is disgusting. Who saw Wendy and Kenny as a perfect couple?

Cartman: Kinny is too poor to date Windy!

Wendy: What's going on?

Cartman: None of your business bitch!

Cartman left the cafeteria.

Wendy: Anyone care to explain what's going on?

Butters: Did you really give Kenny a BJ?

Wendy: What?!

Token handed Wendy the script.

Wendy read the script.

Wendy: Oh my God!

Kyle: I know this is the most perverted shit I have seen in my life.

Cartman reentered the cafeteria holding his phone.

Cartman: Would anyone care to explain why my Facebook status says "In relationship with Windy Testaburger"?

Wendy: What?

Stan: That is bizarre right there.

Wendy: Who ever this pervert is I want h-

Wendy suddenly coughed out white stuff out of her mouth.

Wendy: What the hell?

Stan sat in shock.

So did Kenny.

Kenny: Woo Hoo!

The next day.

Stan and Wendy were walking in the park.

Stan: Did you hear anymore disturbing things about us?

Wendy: No.

Stan: Oh good.

Wendy started crying.

Stan: Wendy, what's wrong?

Wendy: I've lost all my friends.

Stan: What?

Wendy: Ever since they read the story about me giving Kenny a blow job. They think I actually did it and they kept calling me a slut.

Stan: Wendy that's ridiculous. I know Kenny is one of the last people on this planet you'd give a blow job.

Wendy: I know Stan. You don't believe in that story do you?

Stan walked up to Wendy and kissed her on the cheek.

Stan: I know you didn't do it Wendy. You giving a blow job to Kenny is just made up by some psychotic pedophile. You're one of the most honest people I know so I doubt you actually did it.

Wendy stopped crying.

Stan: I love you Wendy.

Wendy: I love you too Stan.

Stan and Wendy leaned in for a kiss when all of a sudden.

Wendy suddenly coughed up more white stuff.

Some of it ended up on Stan's shirt.

Stan: Jesus Christ. What is this stuff? Why do you keep throwing it up?

Wendy: I don't know.

Cartman: Stan. There you are.

Stan: Cartman?

Cartman: Stan! I need- what is that on your shirt?

Stan: I don't know.

Cartman tasted some of the white stuff that was on Stan's shirt.

Cartman: This is cum.

Stan: What?

Wendy: I'm throwing up semen?!

Cartman: I don't think it's just you Windy.

Stan: Cartman. Why have you suddenly become concerned about us?

Cartman: Something's going on in this town. There was a story about me being in a relationship with Windy and than the next day, my relationship status says I'm in a relationship with Windy. Than there was a story about me getting involved in a threesome with Butters and Jimmy. Than the next day my ass started to hurt like hell.

Stan: You don't think?

Cartman: I think the scripts are making these stories come true.

Stan: Oh my God!

Cartman: Don't worry I've set up cameras in everybody's homes so I can find out how they keep coming in.

Stan: Ok. Because I don't want anything else happening to Wendy.

Clyde walked past them screaming in pain.

Cartman: Clyde. What's wrong?

Clyde (crying): My ass hurts. I read a story where it was like 50 Shades of Grey only it was me as the chick and Bebe as Christian Grey. And in the story, Bebe stuck something up my ass and now my ass is in pain.

Clyde continued to cry.

Cartman: This is going too far!

Wendy: Wow I've never seen Cartman trying to stop what's going on.

Stan: It does seem kind of suspicious.

Cartman residence.

Cartman was watching TV screens that had live recordings of his classmates bedrooms.

Cartman: Oh there's Khal. Playing on his phone before bed, ok. Oh and there's Heidi look like she and Khal are texting. Just ignore it Eric. Just ignore it. Oh there's Clyde-Aww sick Clyde. I don't wanna see you jack off. Sick dude! Ok. Coffee, check.

Liane (Cartman's Mom) enters Eric's room.

Liane: Sweetie, it's late. Time to turn off all the televisions and go to bed.

Cartman: Mom. This is important right now. I need to find out who's been sending gay fan fiction about me and Butters. And also who's been sending fan fiction about Windy being a slut.

Liane: Alright poopsikins. Goodnight.

Cartman: Goodnight Mom.

Liane closed the door.

Cartman: It's strange that I'm being polite. Probably nothing.

Cartman stayed up all night watching the screen.

He was about to fall asleep when all of a sudden, he noticed something enter Stan's bedroom.

Cartman: Da fuck?

It was a black figure wearing a hood and cloak.

The figure placed the script by Stan's desk.

Cartman: Interesting.

Cartman played the screen back and forth again to try and get a glimpse at who the figure might be.

A few days later.

4th grade class.

Everyone in school was in class and were yelling and getting angry.

Bebe: I read a script where I started dating Timmy and the next day my relationship status says I am in a relationship with Timmy.

Everyone: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Token: I read a script where I allowed Nichole to give me a blow job. And the next day, I found a condom in my trash can.

Kenny: And what's wrong with that?

Token: I'm too young to have a fucking blow job.

Everyone: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Butters: And I read a script where I went to an orgy with Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, Token, Nichole, Wendy, Heidi and Annie. And the next day I'm all sticky and covered in white stuff.

Everyone: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Butters: What's an orgy?

Everyone: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Mrs. Nelson: Alright class settle down! Now I know all of you are still disturbed about these strange happenings that are going on in these scripts. I've read some of them and they are perverted and senseless. Even worse than when I saw myself being secretly filmed in Michael Bay's new movie "Super Duper Hot Teachers". How did PC Principal allow it!? As I was saying, sitting there yelling "Rabble Rabble Rabble" isn't gonna do anything.

Butters: But we don't know what else to do.

Wendy: This is because of some pervert who seems to think it's cool that-

Suddenly Wendy threw up.

Vomit hit the floor.

Mrs. Nelson: Wendy do you need to see a nurse about this?

Wendy: Yeah. I've been throwing up all day, I don't know why.

Wendy left her seat to visit the nurses office.

Mrs. Nelson: So today's lesson we are gonna learn about the history of the Great Depression. The Great Depression-

As Mrs. Nelson continued talking, Cartman leaned over to talk with the guys.

Cartman: Guys. I'm gonna track this son of a bitch down.

Kyle: Cartman. You've been after this guy for three days. Face it you're never gonna find him.

Cartman: Yes I am Khal. On Tuesday nights. He usually eats at City Wok. And what day is it Khal?

Kyle: Tuesday?

Cartman: Exactly.

Mrs. Nelson: Boys are you paying attention?

Kyle: Sorry Mrs. Nelson.

At recess.

Stan was at his locker putting some books away when he heard crying.

Stan followed the sound and saw Wendy crying with her back against the wall.

Stan: Wendy. What's wrong? Did your friends call you a slut again?

Wendy grabbed Stan and took him into the janitor's closet.

Stan: Wendy, why are we in the janitor's closet?

Wendy: Stan I have to tell you something.

Stan: Ok.

Wendy: Just don't scream.

Stan: Ok.

Wendy: Or tell anyone.

Stan: Ok.

Wendy: Especially our pa-

Stan: Wendy get to the point.

Wendy: Stan. I'm pregnant.

Stan: What?

Wendy: I'm pregnant.

Stan: Is this some kind of joke?

Wendy gave Stan a pregnancy test and it was positive.

Stan: You sure you didn't get this from a pregnant woman?

Wendy: Stan. I'm serious!

Stan stood in shock.

Wendy: And I think it's yours.

Stan still stood in shock.

Wendy: Stan you ok?

Stan fainted.

Wendy: Stan?

Meanwhile.

City Wok.

Cartman decided to stake out at the City Wok hoping to catch a glimpse of the suspect.

Cartman decides to have a snicker at the stakeout and it falls out of his hand.

And it falls into a stream of water.

Cartman: Goddammit.

Cartman runs after the snicker but it falls into a sewer grate.

Cartman: Well at least I still have a spare.

Cartman got a spare out of his pocket, when all of a sudden.

Voice: Hiya Eric.

Cartman: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Cartman looked around to see who was talking.

Voice: Down here.

Cartman: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

That voice belonged to Scott Tenorman, his older half-brother.

Cartman: Scott? What are you doing down in the sewer?

Scott: I'm eating children, what do you think? I'm stuck down here.

Cartman: You sure you didn't eat any children?

Scott: How much It have you been watching?

Cartman: Are you homeless Scott?

Scott: No I'm staying with a friend. I just got high on LSD and somehow ended up in the sewer.

Cartman: Wait a minute why are you wearing a dark cloak? Unless, you're the one who's writing these stories.

Scott: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Well done!

Cartman: Why are you doing this Scott? And where are you getting these scripts?

Scott: Why don't you come down here and I'll tell you?

Cartman: You mean kill me?

Scott: Oh shit you figured it out. Well maybe if you could call somebody to get me out of the sewer than I will tell my little brother my secret. Because after all we are brothers and brothers are supposed to keep secrets.

Scott does a sinister laugh.

Cartman: You better Scott or otherwise, we'll have chilli for dinner.

Scott screamed.

Scott: Ok! Ok!

At South Park Elementary.

Stan and Wendy were still in the janitor's closet.

Stan got up after fainting.

Stan: Why do you think it's mine?

Wendy: Because I read a script that had us have unprotected sex.

Stan: I can't be a Dad! What if our parents find out? My parents might ground me for years and your parents will forbid me into seeing you again!

Wendy: Stan. We cannot tell anyone about this, we can try and get an abortion.

Stan: Wendy. You know how I feel about abortions.

Wendy: Stan! I am 10 years old! I do not want this much responsibility looking after a child at this age! And I don't want my parents to forbid me to see you again!

Tears started to roll down Wendy's face.

Stan hugged her.

Stan: Wendy. I don't know what to do right now. I just don't know if I want a baby right now. I don't know if I will be a good Dad.

Wendy: Stan. You remember the egg project?

Stan: Yeah.

Wendy: You may have started rough. But you were a great Dad.

Stan: I know. Sorry, about insulting you at that point.

Wendy continued crying.

Wendy: Oh Stan. I don't know if I wanna be a parent or have an abortion.

Stan: Wendy. I've always wanted to be a Dad. But I didn't want it to happen so soon.

Wendy: Stan, I'm gonna have an abortion.

Stan: Ok Wendy. We'll go to the abortion clinic after school.

Wendy: But I thought you were against abortions.

Stan: Wendy, I am. But I don't want us to have this baby right now. It's gonna be too much hard work, I might have to get a job working at City Wok and money would be tight. And I don't want to have us to spend the rest of our school lives as parents. I want us to enjoy life before we become parents at 25 or 30. Wendy, besides when we're older, I think we'd make great parents.

Wendy: Oh Stan.

Wendy and Stan kissed each other.

Wendy: I love you Stan.

Stan: I love you too Wendy.

Janitor: Are you done?

Stan: Yeah sorry.

Meanwhile.

Cartman and Scott were at an old house.

Scott: This is where the magic begins.

Cartman enters the house to find nothing but a typewriter and a printer.

Cartman: Da fuck?

Scott: That's right Eric. This is the magic.

Cartman: It's a just a typewriter and a printer.

Scott: Yup. I've spent a lot of my time writing all this fan fiction so I can get revenge on you.

Cartman: But why were you doing it with the others?

Scott: Well if it were just you than you would've been suspicious. So I decided to make it about everyone.

Cartman: But how did you know this paper had this power?

Scott: Do you know where the paper comes from?

Cartman: Where?

Scott: That printer.

A piece of paper came out of the printer.

Cartman: So, as soon as you realised that this paper had magical properties you decided to make these awful stories that are affecting all of us?

Scott: Yeah

Cartman: Why couldn't you make one where I die? I mean you wanted your revenge on me for god knows how long.

Scott: If you died, I wouldn't be able to humiliate you.

Cartman: Jesus Christ!

Scott: Well now you know my secret little bro. So now...

Cartman: Now what?

Scott: Well since I don't wanna kill you I have to think of something. Could you give me time?

Cartman: Um ok Scott.

Meanwhile.

Stan and Wendy entered the abortion clinic.

Stan: You sure about this Wendy?

Wendy: Yeah Stan.

Receptionist: Hi how can I help?

Wendy: Yes I would like an abortion.

Receptionist: Ok. How long have you been pregnant for?

Wendy: A day.

Receptionist: And I'm assuming he got you pregnant?

Wendy: Sort of.

Receptionist: Alright take your seat.

Stan and Wendy took their seats.

Suddenly Wendy started crying.

Stan: Wendy what's wrong?

Wendy (Crying): I don't know if I can go through with this.

Stan: Oh come on!

Wendy: Stan! A part of me doesn't want to have this abortion.

Stan: Wendy, you were the one who wanted it aborted!

Wendy: Stan! Can we try and be parents?

Stan: Wendy I'm too young!

Wendy: Stan! Please.

Stan: Alright! I guess I could give it shot being a Dad.

Wendy: You're gonna be a great Dad, Stan.

Receptionist: Oh So you decided to have this kid. No wonder this shit-hole is going out of business.

Meanwhile.

Scott: Lets See. How about I put your head in a vice? No, too lethal Scott.

Cartman: Scott, I forgot to ask.

Scott: Yeah?

Cartman: What happens if you burn a script?

Scott: I never really thought of it, until now.

Cartman: You see Stan and Kyle burnt a fan fiction about themselves being gay and they complained how much pain their asses were in, than when they burnt the script. Their asses stopped being in pain.

Scott: But that same script had you in a relationship with Wendy and the next day your relationship status said you were in a relationship with Wendy.

Cartman: Wendy read a totally different script, which had Stan cheating on her, causing her to go out with me. And when I burnt the script, my relationship status went back to being single.

Scott: No. I think I have it figured.

Cartman: So here's the thing Scott, I have all the scripts in my hand and this is what I'm gonna do to them.

Cartman threw the scripts into the fire.

Scott: How's that gonna have an affect on me? I'll just be making more.

Cartman than knocked the printer off the desk.

Scott: What are you doing?!

Cartman grabbed a rifle from the wall and shot Scott in the leg with it.

Scott: How can you do this to your own brother?

Cartman: You're not my brother, you're a ginger.

Cartman used the remaining bullets to destroy the printer.

Scott: NOOOOOOOO!

Cartman: Say goodbye Scott.

Scott: You'll never get away with this Eric Cartman!

Cartman: I will always get away with it.

Meanwhile.

Testaburger residence.

Wendy got her pregnancy test ready.

Wendy: Alright time to show my parents. You ready for this?

Stan: Absolutely.

Stan and Wendy took a deep breath.

As they were about to open the door and tell her parents suddenly...

Stan: It's negative.

Wendy: What?

Stan: It says it's negative.

Wendy: Huh?

Wendy looked at the pregnancy test again.

Stan: I guess we did have that abortion.

Wendy has tears in her eyes.

Stan: Wendy don't cry. We might make good parents someday in the future.

Wendy smiled.

Wendy: Do you know what this means Stan?

Stan: What?

Wendy: We can live our lives again!

Stan: What?!

Wendy kisses Stan.

Wendy: Come on Stan, lets go and see that Lion King remake.

Stan: Huh? But...you didn't wanna...the baby.

Wendy: Stan what are you waiting for? Come on.

Stan smiled.

Stan: I'm not gonna be a Dad. Woo hoo!

Stan ran after Wendy.

Epilogue.

Scott was still in pain.

Scott: Why did he do this?

Gregory: Oh dear, oh dear.

Scott: Who are you?

Gregory: Somebody who wants revenge on this whole town just like you.

Scott: You hate Eric Cartman too?

Gregory: Who?


End file.
